There come these times in my life where gravity seems to become stronger, the atmospheric pressure rises and I loose my drive and passion. I find myself retreating, closing myself off to outside stimulation and turning inward for guidance. I scribble illegible lines in journals I never seam to go back an read, I romanticize about the power this struggle has on building my character and making me a great artist. Being all too familiar with this state of mind I am currently questioning if, I have chosen it, or it has chosen me? How much of this pressure is real and how much is self-induced due to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness?
Have I been wrong all this time? I thought I had been the one to take risks, to relocate to distant lands in search of 'happiness' and 'experience.' Was I searching or have I been fleeing from, and how do I truly know?
It's all a matter of subjectivity.
Analysis based on retrospection.
During a practice period in a Zen Temple in the mountains of Japan, with no electricity or flushing toilets, a practitioner said to me out of the blue; "you know, alone stands for all-one?" At the time I thought it to be profound and took it on as a kind of koan to chew on in the hopes of some day to have an epiphany and possibly enlightenment.
That day has yet to come, here I sit tens-of-years later faced with this silly situation, and looking at being 'alone' versus being 'all one.'
Do they feel the same?
Who can answer that question?
Subjectivity. A week never passes at work without someone asking me "is the spicy _____ really spicy?" Or "how spicy is it?" How does one answer these questions compassionately for someone? It's like asking "how long is a ball of string?" It all depends on the ball now doesn't it? 'I happen to like spicy, so for me, it's not spicy at all,' is often my response after asking how sensitive they are to spice. The odd common theme I find is, more often than not, the person knows they don't tolerate spices very well but are considering ordering the item labeled spicy. I even suggest they get the spicy sauce on the side, but they go for it anyway!
What is in this? Are they afraid to make their own decision? Do they not trust their spice meeter or, do they just need someone to listen for once? I would say it's all of the above. The fear of the unknown is very real and lack of accountability is even realer, so if someone else gives us wrong advice we can blame them rather than ourselves.
Sad isn't it?
As we progress further into the twenty-first century with all our technological advances, instant gratification, social media platforms etc. I feel we haven't progressed at all spiritually, we still have yet to answer the ultimate philosophical/spiritual questions. In fact, I would say we have actually moved further away from the possible answer and even the urge to question it. With social media being what it is I would venture to say that instant de-gratification is on the rise. We are in danger of greater social disorders than we were just twenty five years ago. I am not opposed to the advances we have made, I do however wish to encourage you to use them to better the quality of your life and the lives of others and to promote a positive outcome and future. By instant de-gratification, I am referring to opening up a social media platform and using an un realistic yardstick to measure your life and your current condition. The infamous "Joneses" are flooding the inter-webs with better bodies, nicer teeth, bigger houses, faster cars, hotter partners, and perceived happier lifestyles. Does the fact that we follow their feeds, like their posts actually bring them closer to happiness? And what about us, are we happier knowing they appear to be traveling every other weekend 'living the high life?'
I say no….
Looking at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, in the middle of the pyramid, we find love and belonging. Included here are friendship, family, sexual intimacy. We all desire and need some form of, if not all of these, often compelling us to join FB groups, purchase brand name items and swiping right on dating sights. What is lacking in these pursuits however, is true intimacy. Sexual intimacy can be fleeting and often animalistic, leaving us stimulated yet sometimes more empty and alone than prior to the act. Lying naked next to someone having just licked or been licked all over is by no means the same as sharing our deepest darkest fears.
When we are fortunate enough to experience true intimacy, in that moment, we are no longer 'alone' but 'all-one.' We have a glimpse into oneness and can begin to move towards it. As risky as it may seem, vulnerability is a sign of strength, not weeknes.
When we trust enough to be absolutely vulnerable, we can engage in true intimacy. Through vulnerability we grow and evolve spiritually. True intimacy is to me the essance of Zen.
